Paraprosdokians
– a figure of speech whose key feature is that the final words make the reader/listener reinterpret the first part of the sentence. (Often used by comedians.)
“The saying ‘Getting there is half the fun’ became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.”
– Henry J. Tillman
“A fool and his money are soon elected.”
– Will Rogers
“If I am reading this graph correctly, I would be very surprised.”
– Stephen Colbert
“There’s a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs … my favorite is Nestle.”
– Shmuel Breban
“When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.”
– Emo Philips
“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”
– Groucho Marx
“I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.”
– Will Rogers
“A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.”
– Unknown
“If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.”
– Unknown
“Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.”
– Unknown
“He who laughs last thinks slowest.”
– Unknown
“No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.”
– Unknown
Election Time
“Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.”
– Gore Vidal
“Choose a leader who will invest in building bridges, not walls. Books, not weapons. Morality, not corruption. Intellectualism and wisdom, not ignorance. Stability, not fear and terror. Peace, not chaos. Love, not hate. Convergence, not segregation. Tolerance, not discrimination. Fairness, not hypocrisy. Substance, not superficiality. Character, not immaturity. Transparency, not secrecy. Justice, not lawlessness. Environmental improvement and preservation, not destruction. Truth, not lies.”
– Suzy Kassem
“When widely followed public figures feel free to say anything, without any fact-checking, it becomes impossible for a democracy to think intelligently about big issues.”
– Thomas L. Friedman
“George Washington is the only president who didn’t blame the previous administration for his troubles.”
– Unknown
“I’ve thought about just not voting in this election, just staying home. But you can’t do that because that’s saying you don’t care who wins, and I do care.”
– a 1964 TV Presidential ad
Giving Thanks
“Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving.”
– W.T. Purkiser
“Thankfulness creates gratitude which generates contentment that causes peace.”
– Todd Stocker
“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”
– Marcus Tullius Cicero
“Appreciation can change a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.”
– Margaret Cousins
“When you give and carry out acts of kindness, it’s as though something inside your body responds and says, ‘Yes, this is how I ought to feel.”
– Rabbi Harold Kushner
“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”
– John Fitzgerald Kennedy
“Thanksgiving Day comes, by statute, once a year; to the honest man it comes as frequently as the heart of gratitude will allow, which may mean every day, or once in seven days, at least.”
– Edward Sandford Martin
“On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment — halftime.”
– Unknown