National Ice Cream Month – July
“Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.”
– Jim Fiebig
“I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.”
– Wendy Liebman
“I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.”
– Brian Regan
National Picnic Month – July
“We hope that when insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.”
– Bill Vaughan
“Among the delights of summer were picnics to the woods.”
– Georg Brandes
“A couple went for a picnic. They have five sons and each son has seven sisters and each sister has three babies. In total, how many people went for the picnic?”
(*see answer at end)
“If ants are such busy workers, how come they find time to go to all the picnics?”
– Marie Dressler
International Joke Day – July 1
“If Plan A fails, remember that you have 25 letters left.”
– Unknown
“If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, ‘To be clear, do you know how reading works?’”
– @bridger_w
“Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.”
– @dinokitten
“What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet? A desserter”
– Reader’s Digest
“The cool part about naming your child is you don’t have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available.”
– Bill Murray
“My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen. The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale. It’s a pooper-scooper.
–Patty Brozo
“My mom said, ‘Know what I need? A selfie stick. So, whenever I see someone taking a selfie, I can hit them with the stick.’”
– @manikivanas
“The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as ‘famous.”
– @beerbatterbeard
“We’ve traced the call, and it’s coming from INSIDE THE HORSE.”
– Trojan 911 dispatcher (Reader’s Digest)
“I’ve just reset my password to Delicate Luggage, as I was told it had to be case-sensitive.”
– Julian Lee
I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked snowwhiteandthesevendwarfs.”
– Nick Helm
July 4th
“In the truest sense, freedom cannot be bestowed; it must be achieved.”
– Franklin D. Roosevelt
“Freedom is nothing more than the chance to be better.”
– Albert Camus
“What is the essence of America? Finding and maintaining that perfect, delicate balance between freedom ‘to’ and freedom ‘from.’”
– Marilyn vos Savant
“Liberty cannot be preserved without a general knowledge among the people, who have a right…and a desire to know; but besides this, they have a right, an indisputable, unalienable, indefeasible, divine right to that most dreaded and envied kind of knowledge, I mean of the characters and conduct of their rulers.”
– John Adams (1735–1826)
National Golf Month – August
“This is a game of misses. The guy who misses the best is going to win.”
–Ben Hogan
“The mind messes up more shots than the body.”
– Tommy Bolt
“I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.”
–Gerald R. Ford
“I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: It’s called an eraser.”
– Arnold Palmer
“Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.”
– Dave Barry
“It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.”
– Hank Aaron
International Left-Handers Day – August 13
“If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, and the right side of your brain controls the left side of your body, then left-handed people must be the only ones in their right minds.”
– W.C. Fields
“Lefties – in great demand but limited supply!”
– Anonymous
“Left-handers are wired into the artistic half of the brain, which makes them imaginative, creative, surprising, ambiguous, exasperating, stubborn, emotional, witty, obsessive, infuriating, delightful, original, but never, never, dull.”
– James T. deKay
*Two – only the couple was picnicking.