International Tell a Joke Day – July 1
The following humorous sayings are from Winston Churchill’s collection –
“If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.”
“Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.”
“Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.”
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.”
Independence Day – July 4
“America is much more than a geographical fact. It is a political and moral fact — the first community in which men set out in principle to institutionalize freedom, responsible government, and human equality.”
– Adlai Stevenson
“We must be free not because we claim freedom, but because we practice it.”
– William Faulkner
National French Fries Day – July 13
“Unbelievable as it may seem, one-third of all vegetables consumed in the United States come from just three sources: french fries, potato chips and iceberg lettuce.”
– Marion Nestle
“Mission Impossible: Not eating a french fry on the way home from the drive-thru.”
– so-relatable.tumblr.com
National Junk Food Day – July 21
“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and the junk food as far away as possible.”
– Krista Scott-Dixon
“Junk food you craved for an hour, or the body you’ve craved for a lifetime? Your decision.”
– mediloss.com
“Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.”
– shutupimtalking.com
Respect For Parents Day – August 1
“Respect your parents. They passed school without Google.”
– Unknown
“A child who is allowed to be disrespectful to his parents will not have true respect for anyone.”
– Billy Graham
“The best security blanket a child can have is parents who respect each other.”
– Jan Blaustone
“Parents must be treated with respect, whether one wants to strangle them or not.”
– Loretta Chase
(Editor’s Note: Probably works the other way around, too.)
National Tell A Joke Day – August 16
“I saw a wino eating grapes. I told him, you gotta wait.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“What do you call bears with no ears? B”
– thoughtcatalog.com
“I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. Sadly, no pun in 10 did.”
– thoughtcatalog.com
“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.”
– thoughtcatalog.com
“What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? You think it’s R but it be the C.”
– thoughtcatalog.com
Mosquito Day – August 20
“A baby mosquito came back after its first flight. Dad asked, ‘How did you feel?’ It replied, ‘Dad, it was wonderful. Everyone was clapping for me..’ Moral: Take everything positively.”
– quotes 4sms.com
“I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know I’m delicious, but really….”
– funnyquotesbook.com
“If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.”
– jarofquotes.com
“The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.”
– Andy Warhol
National Parks Service Established – August 25, 1916
“Thousands of tired, nerve-shaken, over-civilized people are beginning to find out that going to the mountains is going home; that wildness is a necessity; and that mountain parks and reservations are useful not only as fountains of timber and irrigating rivers, but as fountains of life.”
– John Muir
“Every single national park had some component of private philanthropy.”
– Douglas Tompkins