Suffield Observations

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Andy Sauer
A Word from the Box Fairy

We have a box fairy. Whenever we get a delivery, the recipient opens the package and gleefully tosses the box into the garage. Every week, the box fairy gathers all the boxes, freeing the family to access the cars.

I’m going to let you in on a secret: I’m the box fairy.

Every Saturday, I kick a path to my car, grab a tile knife, break down boxes, lay them in the trunk and head to the dump. If it’s a good day, no one’s there. If it’s not a good day, there’ll be a line. And, if it’s a bad day, some inconsiderate clod will clog up the works by breaking down their boxes in front of the compactor. I cannot humanely describe the bitterness of the bile this occurrence raises.

Recently, I was two cars behind someone who took each box in his trunk and crushed it on the ground. When he finally flattened the last one, he closed the trunk, opened the back door and started with the boxes in the back seat! I once saw a pickup truck with its bed filled with unbroken boxes and its smiling owner breaking them down one by one and tossing them into the compactor opening like Frisbees. In those moments, I pop the trunk, gather the boxes, and shamelessly cut the line. This is the kind of anarchy a degenerate society that can’t break down its boxes spawns.

If you’re thinking “Why don’t you just put them out with recycling?” you either are a single man whose deliveries consist of razor blades and the occasional article of clothing or have a box fairy of your own! There are simply too many boxes nowadays to stuff in a bin that gets emptied every other week.

An unfortunate development has occurred in the past year. The powers that be in Suffield have replaced the compactor opening with a thin slot. Now we have people stuffing their on-site crushed boxes in a slot meant for broken down boxes.

To all the box fairies thinking they’re saving time by hauling unbroken boxes, do us all a favor and take the extra step of flattening the boxes at home. You’ll find they fit more easily than crushed ones, and you’ll be able to slip more into the slot, saving yourself and the rest of us a lot of time.

You can go back to the inefficient life into which you’ve settled, and the rest of can get on with our Saturdays.

Consider it a community service.

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