International Joke Day – July 1
(puns from Will Styler’s Collection of Terrible Puns)
How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three: the right, the left, and the final front ear.
I’m addicted to brake fluid, but it’s OK because I can stop at any time.
I can’t stand Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
If you see an Apple Store get robbed, does that make you an iWitness?
Independence Day – July 4
“We must be free not because we claim freedom, but because we practice it.”
– William Faulkner
“America is known as a country that welcomes people to its shores. All kinds of people.”
– Ruth Bader Ginsberg
“Where you see wrong or inequality or injustice, speak out, because this is your country. This is your democracy. Make it. Protect it. Pass it on.”
– Thurgood Marshall
“Freedom is one of the deepest and noblest aspirations of the human spirit.”
– Ronald Reagan
Barn Day – July 14
“A day at the barn restores the soul.”
– pinterest
“Through the ample open door of the peaceful country barn, a sunlit pasture field, with cattle and horses feeding; and haze and vista, and the far horizon fading away.”
– Walt Whitman
“People are like old barns. Even when they become old, weathered and can barely stand, they still have beauty, purpose and hold all kinds of memories.”
– Betty Wingo
NASA established – July 29, 1958
“The vision of NASA is to reveal the unknown for the benefit of all humankind.”
–Victor J. Glover
“Astronomy compels the soul to look upwards and leads us from this world to another.”
– Plato
“Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”
– Arthur C. Clark
National Ice Cream Month
“Ice Cream is cheaper than therapy.”
– Unknown
“Marriage Tip #9 – Ice cream is an excellent beginning to any apology.”
– Cassie Sinichko
National Hot Dog Month
“You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt – and that’s just in the hot-dogs.”
– David Letterman
“A hot dog at the game beats roast beef at the Ritz.”
– Humphrey Bogart
Respect for Parents Day – August 1
“Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.”
– P.J. O’Rourke
“Parents are the ultimate role models for children. Every word, movement and action has an effect. No other person or outside force has a greater influence on a child than the parent.”
– Bob Keeshan
“Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.”
– Yogi Berra
“It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.”
– Ann Landers
American Family Day – August 4
“Treat your family like friends and your friends like family.”
– Unknown
“Blended families: woven together by choice, strengthened together by love, tested by everything, and each uniquely ours.”
– Shutterfly
“Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.”
– Evan Esar
“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.”
– Jane Howard
International Left-Handers Day – August 13
“God made everyone right-handed, only the truly gifted overcome it.”
– Anonymous
“Left-handed problem #25 – Having to take the notebook paper out of your binder when you need to write, because the rings keep your hand from reaching the paper.”
– tumblr.com
National Tell a Joke Day – August 16
“A wealthy farmer, seeing his two boys having no direction in life, decides to buy them a cattle ranch, so they can raise the beef that they so enjoy eating. They ask him, “Dad, what should we call the cattle ranch?”. He says “Call it ‘Focus’”. Confused, they ask him why. “Well, the focus is where the sun’s rays meet.”
– Rich Morrow
“I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the orange!”
“If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?”
“Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. He said his summer was pretty good too.”
Martin Luther King delivers his “I have a dream” speech – August 28, 1963
“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”
– Martin Luther King Jr.
“There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.”
– Martin Luther King Jr.
National Golf Month
“Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course… The space between your ears.”
– Bobby Jones
“If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.”
– Dean Martin
“I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.”
– Gerald R. Ford
National Dog Month
“Dogs lives are too short. Their only fault, really.”
– Agnes Slight Turnbull
“Be the person your dog thinks you are.”
– C.J. Frick
“If a man aspires towards a righteous life, his first act of abstinence is from injury to animals.”
– Mark Twain
“A boy can learn a lot from a dog — obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.”
– Robert Benchley
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
– Franklin P. Jones