Busting out of a slump…
For the first time in 16 years, I didn’t submit a column for the Observer.
I just didn’t have it in me.
A while back, a therapist told me the difference between depression and sadness was that with sadness, you know why you’re feeling down; with depression, you don’t, and you need a therapist to help you figure out why.
I knew exactly what was bringing me down: I recently put my mom in memory care for Alzheimer’s Disease, I was missing my son, and I was getting peppered with a whole lot of stupid things that collectively dragged me down.
The proverbial last straw was the sudden resignation of our minister, Diann Bailey, at First Church of Christ in Suffield. Diann was a beacon for my family after my son died. She was compassionate, supportive and, most importantly, direct. There was a comfort provided then that had carried over through the years. Her resignation and the circumstances surrounding it, on top of everything else, just bottomed me out.
I couldn’t string five words on the cruelty of life, let alone a 426-word missive that would register high enough on the positivity meter.
So, there could be no Observations for May. I’m fortunate my livelihood no longer depends on whether my emotional state enables me to write (the Observer is put out by volunteers.)
I recognize it’s not a simple thing to extricate yourself from a debilitating state of sadness and that for some it seems next to impossible. But, I had been there before, and I wanted out.
A while back I heard a baseball player’s advice on breaking out of a batting slump: “I pick out something small, something I can control, something I can manage. And, I just focus on that.” The logic is there are so many variables that are completely out of a player’s control that to dwell on them invariably comes at the expense of something crucial that can be controlled.
I chose to focus on fitness, which compels to me to drink less alcohol, which helps me sleep better, which gives me a little more energy, which helped me focus on more things I could control and not be distracted by the things I couldn’t.
I’m not saying it’s fixed everything overnight, but it’s helped me get some things done, and you’d be surprised how good that small sense of accomplishment feels.
I still feel down – I’m not so sure I’ll ever not feel sad, but I am on my feet.
And, I got my column submitted.